Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried cooking with wine tonight, after five glasses, I forgot why I was even in the kitchen

   Together,, I can beat schizophrenia

   Chris Brown is adding vocals from Aaliyah to his new song. Congratulations on making a plane crash the 2nd worst thing to happen to Aaliyah.

   Women are like cats. Rub them right and they'll love you, on occasion.

   Gangnam Style is a clear example that Americans don't give a crap about lyrics

   Hey Scientists: Less sheep cloning and More making our world look like The Jetsons. Chop chop beotches!

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Just once I'd like to see a random stranger gut-punch the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   This morning I was standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   Not feeling pain does not make you strong. Strength comes from feeling pain, dealing with it, getting over it and moving on.

   I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember everything...

   I'm pretty sure my dying wish would be to stop dying.

   You don't need a $500 camera to take a photo of the bathroom mirror.

   Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

   Sorry son, we can't go get ice cream because mommy went to Kohl's 20 times last month.

   My dog was starting to take my love for granted so I made her watch one of those really depressing ASPCA animal abuse awareness commercials. This morning she washed my truck and took out the trash.

   I hate when men's restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them

   You can be the ripest, juiciest and sweetest strawberry in the field, and there's still going to be some fool who hates strawberries.

   Strangers have the best puppies & candy.

   You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.