Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishing that the gnomes would return my stuff!

   thinks: The greatest pleasure in life is "not" doing what people say you can do.I call it the middle finger logic.

   two people away from a threesome

   Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   an organ donor. Need anything?

   exaggerations went up a million percent last year

   Look at the evil people in the world, Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin what do they all have in common? Mustaches

   will even let you hold the remote control

   curiosity overpowers knowledge.. Now I have a midget transvestite prostitue knocking on my door

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else......

   Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.......

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people............

   Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.....

   tired of counting down to the next weekend or vacation so.... only 18,245 days until retirement. Take that society!

   loving that 170 lbs I lost when you left.. not only do I look better.. I dont have your extra weight to carry around!

   made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank.

   I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced I keep the house.

   Ex-wife For Sale...Just take over payment.

   says two fools make a moron, two morons make an imbecile, two imbeciles make an idiot and two idiots make a marriage.

   was thrown out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table.