Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!

   money cant by harmony and happiness, but I can buy rum!!

   wonders why men never want to play with the baby, just the box it came in!

   thinks it's funny that "LOL" has gone from meaning "Laugh Out Loud" to "I have Nothing Else To Say"

   thinking that going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.

   This account has been suspended and is under review for violations of the Facebook Terms of Service (TOS). To review the TOS for yourself, please feel free to click the Terms link at the bottom of each page. Inbox items and well feed posts will be visible

   gunna dress up as kanye west for halloween and go around telling people " ima letchu get back to trick or treatin in a minute but, barrack obamas daughters have the best halloween costumes of all time, of all time!!!"

   "If the invisible man knocks on the door, tell him I can't see him at the moment."

   wondering if its cool for people in China to get English word tattooes.

   just won the Australian lottery! I'll be a millionaire just as soon as I pay this $795 processing fee... Suckahs!!!

   the people sitting around me should all be wearing helmets

   why is it that whenever there's two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

   Traffic is moving pretty fast today, so I've decided to stop in the center lane open the hood and bring things back to normal. YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!

   also known as H1N1

   ended her relationship with Kanye West...

   ...so, is it to soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet?

   feeling a little off today, anyone want to turn me on?