Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesnt want to die, not because he is afraid of death but because he is worried about all the crap people will find on his computer when hes gone.

   if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

   Milton's stapler!

   thinks 'friends with benefits' should came with a health care package..

   feels like something funny is gonna happen...I'm sitting next to a blackman, whiteman and a chineseman. I'm just waiting on the punchline!

   if you always stop to smell the roses, sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

   me+alcohol+nintendo64=profanity out the ass

   Hey dude... There's your car!

   wishes you were beer

   would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.

   thinks if ballrina's were jusy a little taller, they wouln't have to dance on their tippy toe's as much!

   thinks real men should never say the words "sippy cup".

   thinks it would really help Jennifer Anniston's career if she would star in a few romantic comedies.

   reminds you that people will believe anything if it's whispered.

   saw Mike Tyson at the airport, I thought about going over to talk to him but I was concerned he would just take an earful and then leave.............

   remembers when "google" was a word used to describe the eyes on pom-pom critters back in grade school!

   life is like the Mets I just can't win

   running dangerously low on cheetos

   Wishes life was like a Nintendo game, if you had a problem you just take it out and blow on it. And everything would be fine

   We were strangers when we met, now were even stranger!!