Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 6370 of 6437

When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers.

Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel.
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09-29-2009 22:59 by Seagren
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says if it wasn't for the last minute, I wouldn't get anything done!
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09-29-2009 22:08
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used to have superpowers, but his psychiatrist took them away...
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09-29-2009 18:01
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running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant "S" written on his Chest Yelling "This Looks Like a Job for..."

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
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09-29-2009 15:04
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Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
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09-29-2009 10:17
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.......and thats how I got kicked in the balls by Mickey Mouse!!!
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09-29-2009 09:46
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n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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09-29-2009 09:46 by randizzle
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september ends tomorrow..so dont forget to wake me up!!!
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09-29-2009 02:37 by legit
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concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency
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09-29-2009 01:43 by Piney
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wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
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09-28-2009 23:22
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if you wear dog tags as a "fashion accesory", YOU'RE WRONG!

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the eff was going on when I first saw it.
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09-28-2009 23:11
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I clearly like all the music on my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle...then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes
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09-28-2009 23:06 by that guy
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I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

busy creating an excuse for not coming into work tomorrow.
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09-28-2009 19:45
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Thinks everybody makes mistakes. Just ask ur mom and dad
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09-28-2009 14:34 by Bunnyguts
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My boyfriend came home from work upset and asked me to console him, I hit him over the head with his XBox

wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they'd wonder, "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"
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09-27-2009 13:28 by Ron
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