Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has a friend that was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities... yesterday he called me... my caller I.D. exploded.

   Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Yankees players on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

   just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.

   thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!

   knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.

   has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!

   Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

   Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

   Life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it!

   I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

   I may not be always right but I'm never wrong

   : How do you keep a facebook friend busy? Refresh this screen to find the answer.

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..

   would like to thank his liver for all the support, this weekend . . . Couldnt have done it without you, old friend !

   Playing hide and seek with boredom... I found it!

   is Loading ████████████ 99%

   THERES A VAN ACROSS THE STREET THAT SAYS "FREE CANDY" I WONDER IF THEY HAVE TOOTSIE POPS....IM GOING TO CHECK! :)

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   Do you realise that in 40 years time,there will be alot of old ladies walking around with tatoos