Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

   growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

   saw a one armed man in a second hand store the other day.

   The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

   wonders When did LuLuLemon become the preferred clothing line for overweight and out of shape people?

   The first cigarette I ever had I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first one," said Grandpa. "Try another one." And you know, he was right.~Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

   When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.

   Rocks!!♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫

   just got his swine flu shot. It's made with real bits of swine, so you know it's good.

   Went downtown today and instead of trick or treating I saw some women offering trick and Gonorrea for 10 bucks.

   will go slighty out of her way to step on a crunchy-looking leaf

   "the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally makeup the source.” – George Washington

   hopes nobody else dresses up as Justus von Liebig, Father of biochemistry who recorded minerals in plant ash and proposed the law of minimum.

   somewhat annoyed that finding midgets, painting them green and making them make chocolate is an offence.

   ..is wearing an Arnold Schwartzenegger costume for Halloween..and with a mouthful of candy,she will sound just like him!

   ....hello, fun? It's me... yea...I was wondering if you could stop by for a while. Yea, my friends and I really miss you. See you soon?

   got along fine before I knew you... and I'll be even better after you're a faded memory.

   Keep it up and Santa's going to stick a candy caine where the sun don't shine.3 hours ago clear

   Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had gonorrhea

   Found my halloween costume and I'm  trying it out by walking through the intensive care unit dressed as the grim reaper