Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

   woke up with post-it note where one of his toes should have been. It said "Gone to market"....

   *The world is confused,if the love is blind, hw can it happen at 1st sight??

   She realised I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.

   At the bottom of that bottle of chardonnay were words I always had the good sense to say

   Knows the world will look up and shout “Save us!”… And he'll whisper “No.”

   ..thought it was a good thing adding her parents to Facebook until I posted " is going out for the night!" & mum commented "Good! That means me and your father can have loud sex now!". I'll remember to lock my bedroom door before I go out..

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.

   The police sent me a photo of my car speeding. So I sent them a picture of my cheque.

   All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

   should not be used by women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.

   volunteered to be a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake today.

   My anus is the center hole. J. Geils Band. Songs back then really meant something.

   Desperado, you've been outright offensive, for so long now

   Hold me close, young Tony Danza. Old school Elton John. Never gets old.

   Facebook Trick! Press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Enter then left click Then Scroll Up And Down up & down and magic circles will appear! lmfao! To stop this - refresh your page THIS WORKS - TRY IT! THEN COPY & PASTE THIS TO YOUR S

   Bank Robbery should be legal...afterall, they rob me everytime I turn around!

   If you do something you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!

   Life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it.

   This little piggy went to market.This little piggy stayed at home.This little piggy had roast beef.This little piggy had none.And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.