Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think what I want most out of life is to die in my 90's owing a s**t load of money and shot by a jealous husband.

   hate it when I get stupid fortunes from a fortune cookie. I feel like I got cheated!

   if you tell the truth..you don't have to have a good memory.

   went into a elementary school and told the kids santa isnt real

   cant wear skinny jeans because my rolls wont fit

   haha Strap-On spelt backwards is no parts

   See,,, I told you it would fit!!

   Santa must be a man. No woman would be caught dead wearing the same clothes every Christmas!

   im like buger king and your like mcdonalds il have it my way and yu will be loving it

   she will name her first cyber baby after you ;)

   Tiger's latest voice mail message "Hi Kobe, it's Tiger....can you give me the name of that jeweler you told me about".

   says here's to honor...get on her and stay on her!

   it safe to have unprotected text after a period?

   Name: If girls have period pains, guys should be kicked in the balls once a month

   i still think womens clothes look best on the floor.

   if it weren't for the presents and money think about how terrifying it would be to our children that a fat man, a fairy and a giant rabbit break into their houses every year...

   The police officer asked Tigers wife "how many times did you hit him ma'am?" She responded "Oh, I don't know, put me down for a 5"

   whats the difference between a SUV and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards...

   I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home!

   A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men.