Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

   Rehab is for quiters

   End discrimination. Hate everybody!

   may not be Santa, but it doesnt mean he hasnt seen you while you're sleeping...

   Congratulations! You're not illiterate

   thinks It's easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.

   I went through three magazines on the train yesterday. I'd killed a dozen people before they managed to wrestle the gun off me

   wake me up when is xmas over coz I cant afford buy any presents....

   AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions.

   wants a hippopotamus for Christmas.

   Confucius says "Christmas trees are like priests...their balls are just for decoration"......

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   Paris Hilton is working on a new CD. I believe this one is called, "And You Thought the First One Sucked".

   If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose

   1 day of coal for 364 of fun... I'll take my chances

   Erm, Dear Santa, let me explain... the money was only resting in my account, and that thing with the elves , I have destroyed the negatives so you can be rest assured I will not black mail you for any pressies this year, been a good run, 30 plus years...

   going over his plans for world domination and all those who have crossed him in the past will be unmercifully slaughtered....have a great day!!

   says I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   When the story first broke…and the police said they couldn't figure out where Tiger was going at 2:30 Friday morning…was I the only one thinking, ‘Hello!?!?! Walmart!!!'

   - Ok, so you say I shouldn't drink and drive. I understand that part, but then how the f*#@ am I supposed to get home?