Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes

   Life without friends is like boobs without nipples( )( ), just pointless!

   Why don't the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

   quit critiquing dumb ass, it is a joke.

   whats an old man smell like?..... Depends

   Can't remember the name of the last girl she slept with. It's on the tip of my tongue.

   Christmas used to be the best when I believed in Santa Claus....i wanna be 15 again

   If your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. :)

   Everybody would agree that 2009 has been a hard year for all of us.

   Found the Muffin Man on Facebook. If he accepts my Friend Request then I can tell my mates "Yes I DO know the Muffin man!". They'll be impressed.

   Just got an email that I won the Nigerian lottery. Finally..A lucky break!

   Thinks your haircut looked better before the 'cutting' part.

   the difference between a goon and a goblin

   definitely thinks you're a tool...just not the right one for the job.

   frowning in your douchebaggy direction.

   wishes I was bipolar, so I would at least have an excuse.

   90% of men like to masturbate. The other 10% don't have arms.

   Would delete you, if I didnt have to keep the numbers up on my friends list, to impress my other friends.

   Can now be offensive in 3 different languages.

   Thinks you should donate your opinions to goodwill. They are used to selling crap there anyways.