Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

   Girls we love for what they are; men for what they promise to be.

   : “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.

   wondering...have you ever felt like a fire hydrant and all your friends were dogs?

   needs a divorce from you, Facebook. You're no good for me.

   an expert on escaping padded cells and straight jackets

   : Dear Santa, For being so good this year, can I get a look at that naughty girls list?

   What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   Recently the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" passed away at the age of 104. His last words were, "I can't believe that's what it's all about."

   Turns out Tiger was getting more 'tang than a thirsty astronaut.

   just found out my mom is the 10th mistress to be linked to Tiger Woods.

   weed is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

   my english is getting gooder and gooder

   would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or the cctv footage

   I figured out why I can't get off this damn computer......I have a farm to Harvest, Fish to feed and a zoo to keep up....FML!

   sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street, smack them on the chest, yell 'YOU'RE IT!!' and then run away.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

   Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.