Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still sh*t your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough sh*t.

   she was my cream, and I was her coffee - And when you poured us together, it was something.....

   wondering if everyone expecting it now finally realizes the only "change" is in their pocket.

   Tiger's wife is willing to forgive him if he changes his name to Cheatah.

   They say lifes a b1tch and then you die. I say lifes great. The only b1tch thing about it is dying.

   A president with a MYSPACE?!?! WOW should we really trust this guy?..

   how are you supposed to read lady gaga's po po po po poker face, if it's all covered up with all that wierd cr*p?

   The secret is Victoria is actually Victor!!!

   Dont you just love X-mas time. Its the only legal stalking month. You know what I mean.. Someone pops out of the mall..you follow them and a nice slow stalking speed..Waiting ..Then you know its time to attack..Got the parking stall. Mission accomplished!

   Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and The Biggest Loser....On TV at the same time tonight...makes me wanna eat chocolate cake then go throw it up....

   Feels bad for dads taking their sons to the girls shopping aisle to get a nice pair of tight apple bottom jeans. Keep your heads up dads. This emo style wont last long.

   wonders if balloon boy's parents are kicking themselves for not crashing the White House party instead?

   My mother wants me to get up and go to work. But the voices in my head want me to stay home and clean the guns.

   Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop

   an argument is a compromise between fighting and running away

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   What's the big deal with the 2 idiots that snuck in for a white house party for a couple hours? I can't turn on the news without seeing them. "W" pulled the same trick in 2000 and stayed for 8 years and he didn't get that kind of coverage!

   share love not herpes

   You can tell that this is a rough situation for Tiger Woods and that it has him really tee'd off. I hope he gets a grip soon and irons everything out.