Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hmmm..wonder if Tom from Myspace has a Facebook page

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!

   says a clean house is the sign of a broken computer

   konws taht you can raed tihs sutats jsut fnie and you tuhohgt I was tolaltly dnruk lkie lsat tmie.

   ...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the the Christmas period!

   Jethro Leroy Gibbs>The President address

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

   one good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbours

   Shooting up heroin with Justin Bieber and Making a sex tape with Miley Cyrus..

   We're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f-ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a$$ down that chimney tonight,he's going to see the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse!

   Kids brought home a flier from school yesterday asking how many would be attending the "holiday celebration" at school. My wife writes down 4, then crosses out "holiday celebration" and writes in CHRISTMAS PARTY! Just call her old school!

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   time to stop draggin my tush (not literally like dogs do)...gotta get a move on

   This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.

   finally reached the Apex of Standardized Suckitude

   why is it when there is a 50-50 chance of doing something right, 90% of the time you do it wrong

   woke up and thought his alarm clock was laughing out loud at him... Then I realized I was looking at it upside down, it was 7:07

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass

   Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

   I WILL BE COMPLETELY HONEST FOR 24 HOURS...You can ask me 1 question (only in my INBOX). Any question, no matter how crazy, sinister or wrong it is. You have my FULL honesty, but I DARE you to put this text on your status and see what questions you get!!