Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People have to recognize that the "do-it-all-mom", as the saying goes, often ends up doing everything but "it".

   Italicize words to give your status that gangsta lean.

   wondering why Tom Brady's baby looks like Tiger Woods.

   : Santa Claus reported his naughty girls list stolen, Police comfirm Tiger Woods is the prime suspect.

   : Does that mean Santa knows where all the naughty girls live? No wonder he's so jolly!!

   voted most likely to get "slapped" in High-School

   Monkeys use sex as a way to end an argument....One of my favorite techniques as well

   considering applying for a job as a news anchor. I already exaggerate stories to the billionth degree every day, but now I can broadcast them to the world!

   the difference in Tiger Woods and Santa is Santa stops at 3 hos.

   just accidentally started a turf war in his neighbourhood

   Order a pizza from Papa Johns today NATIONWIDE-- they are making a donation to the families of the four fallen police officers in Lakewood (WA) - all pizzas sold on Tuesday, Dec. 8 and Wednesday, Dec. 9. ALL proceeds to a trust for their nine children

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   Oompa Loompa, doompadee do, Tiger's got another alleged mistress ... or two?!

   What are three wordsTiger woods doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

   At least Tiger Woods was being truthful when he told his wife every morning that he was off to play 18 holes.

   Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags.

   When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.