Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never date a tennis player; to them love means nothing.

   Marriage is not a word or a sentence, as reported above. It's an institution - like... prison.

   Obama gets a Nobel prize after sending 30k more troops. Stay tuned, next week Tiger Woods wins husband of the year.

   thinks the voices in his head need serious singing lessons (ever heard the Smurfs performing Enter Sandman?)

   Im not under the alkafluence of inkahol thet some thinkle peep I am!!!

   A new study found that house cats spend 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. They also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.

   Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

   pulled last night. He approached a gorgeous girl and said "Look, I know you're in a different league to me, but! I'm willing to drop one for ya"

   I accept this Nobel Peace Prize, blah,,,blahh,,,,blahh,,,blah...blahhh.....................

   wonders when John Mellencamp will write a song about the plight of the Facebook farmer?

   (Tiger's Christmas Song) Oh the weather outside is frightful. Having many tramps is so delightful. Just so my hot wife don't know…text a ho, text a ho, text a ho.

   wondering if blacks call it "Ask" Body Spray...

   Unless the next one is a dude, I don't want to here any more about Tiger Woods

   What's on my mind? Let's peer inside and listen... "Meow, meow, meow, meow..." Wow! That was akward. 

   watching you having a wank

   singing...I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go....

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   Two goldfish in a bowl. One says to the other "If there is no God,who changes our water every week?"

   I was born a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.

   Did you hear about the gay dwarf? He came out of the cupboard.