Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *holding my shirt* excuse miss, would you consider this boyfriend material?!?!

   a good deed is when you smoke weed

   man came up with a new invention: a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

   Text Chicago to 90999 to donate $75 plus a tax of 10% and a parking fee of $10 plus a beer fund of 8.5% to donate for Illinois Earthquake Relief

   Friends will lend you their umbrella; Best friends will run away with it and yell "Run little Retard, Run!!"

   Damn! Facebook goes through more mood swings and changes than a 18 year old girl........or is it a 21 year old? [ I forgot which one was b*tch!er]

   needs to find the stuff that's making his hair turn white and direct it towards his teeth.

   I've said it before and I'll say it again! Those are not my toys, and I don't know why they're in my bedroom! ;-)

   R.I.P PHIL HARRIS FROM DEADLIEST CATCH. WE LOVE WATCHING YOU

   Snow on da ground.... Snow on da ground... drivin' like a fool when there's snow on da ground....look at ya now... car spinning 'round.... drivin' like a fool when there's snow on da ground...

   Both Political parties are debating the fault line responsible for today's quake: Democrats says its the Bush's Faultline and the Republicans say its the Obama's Faultline

   relieved that even tho 230,000 government workers couldn't make it past the blizzard to work in DC this week, the country has somehow managed to continue as if nothing happened.

   "We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage."

   begining to think Facebook has Body dysmorphic disorder, seriously enough with the changes!!! We liked you the way you were!!!

   I have serious communication problems with vegetarians: they consider "food" something I consider only a pleasant interlude between a food and another food. I have problems, but at least I try; with abstainers is better not even try.

   A STRESSOR AND AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT, will help you lose weight!

   Love may not make the world spin around but it certainly makes alot of people dizzy.

   if only my wife had smaller hands... 'IT' WOULD LOOK BIGGER!

   ...I love a girl who loves another girl who loves me...this is a strange triangle, but it could be interesting...

   I taught my dog to beg today. He came back with £12.75.