Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was angry a few minutes ago, but then someone gave me a cookie to calm me down.....YES, that STILL WORKS

   been talking to some friends about starting a Black Eye Peas tribute band....we're going to call ourselves Black Guy Pees

   Attending my favorite kind of funeral.....Closed casket, Open bar

   You should be with someone who ,even on your bad day, still thinks the sun shines out of your ass

   As a young child Bell, Biv, Devoe taught me the most important life lesson----Never trust a big butt and a smile....that girl is poison

   If breakfast is the most important meal of the day then why do people eat it in their underware?

   Regarding the show CAKE BOSS: How FAT of a country have we become that CAKE is the star of a hit show?

   CAKES: Sexy when you pop out of them, hilarious when you fall into them

   "Good, clean fun" is a euphemism for "having to get all dressed up and do something you don't want to, so your grandmother doesn't get sad"

   There should be one trained bear on each side for special teams plays in football

   If you want to see a basket full of uncomfortable people, break up with your girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride

   Most people who enjoy racecars don't know what a palindrome is

   OK true story, a very good friend of mine has a patient that comes see her and his name is Mr. Nicewonger, I mean come on dude even Mclovin was more orginal than that.

   There is no I in UGLY but there is a U!

   thinks you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you should never pick your friend's nose!

   thinking about everyone who came into my life and made it better... thanks! :)

   If they took all porn from the internet,all that would remain is a Facebook group called " Bring the Porn Back!"

   Someone stole all my Credit Cards but, I won't be Reporting it.....The Thief spends Less than my Wife did.

   * Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   Time is money. If you want to save on one it will cost more of the other!