Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?

   as I once heard from a Scottsman "Well Oil Beef Hooked"!

   wants a holiday that somehow follows closely to the 1966 movie: The Endless Summer...... any volunteers?

   Who told you, you were special? The lady driving that little bus?

   wonders how much it cost the federal government to send 120 million letters notifying citizens the census forms are coming and how important they are!

   going over to the dark side...I figure it's just a burnt lightbulb needs replacing.

   just saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Toyota today that said: "I Brake for NOTHING!"

   You know it's been a good night when you throw your panties at the wall and they stick there.

   Lindsay Lohan is a dumbass. I think I'm going to sue E*trade too because my daughter's name is Lindsay and she has name recognition too!

   I like my women like I like my coffee...hot and bitter!

   My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

   Spring is almost here! Happy people walking, kids playing outside, dog sh!t everywhere.....Life is grand!

   You can get more things accomplished with a kind word and a gun, then just a kind word alone, "Al Copone"

   I love spending time with the woman of my dreams, it's the waking up and needing a cold shower bit I hate.

   Feels sorry for skinny people, I know this girl who is so skinny that she has to run around in the shower just to get wet....

   If you're not living on the edge,you're taking up too much space.

   pissed when I wake up in the morning and dont feel like P.Diddy.

   Monday's are like bowel movements. Sometimes they pass smoothly and sometimes you have to get in, sit down, shut up and hold on!

   Announcing that your parents used to be cool hippies who went to Woodstock is probably not only a lie, but it also does not change the fact that they have a loser for a child.

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself… especially when that something is Proctology.