Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because those that can run,jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

   look down, back up, where are you. You're on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand, back at me, I have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love, look again, the tickets are now diamonds

   . Life is like a can of beans. It lets out a toot every so often and is worth a good laugh!

   wonders who will be watching Kate Gosselin's litter of mutts while she's practicing for Dancing With The Stars.

   was driving down the highway today and tried to identify what kind of car was coming up behind me. Then it hit me! Duh... a Toyota.

   Don't mess with turtles...because sometimes, if you're Italian, they'll throw hammers at you

   In regards to Tiger Woods press conference a few days a go, I'm staying tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.

   I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."

   The problem with your face is that it looks like you.

   -- split up from the missus yesterday, I'm now very sad and upset. I had to go to work today with my clothes creased.....

   What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single!

   wondering if IHOP is going to sue Apple for copyright infringement?

   Apple admits it used underage kids to make iPhones, iPods and Mac computers. All I've got to say is...DAMN fine job, kids.

   thinks there should be a day called masculinity awareness day, where a man must do something manly, like fight a bear, eat meat, or write a poem about his feelings... then burn it!

   I like to hide in the clothing racks at department stores and while people are browsing yell PICK ME! PICK MEEEEE!

   I use Facebook for the people I know. I use Twitter for the people I wish I knew.

   And then God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

   Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.