Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to eat the soup using a fork...

   Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

   s wondering....now that the US has passed heath Care Reform I wonder when Rush Limbaugh is leaving the country? Not soon enough I'm sure

   I hate it when people CLEARLY see am sleeping then they wake me up and ask if am sleeping.

   what's the difference between frog and a horny toad? A frog says ribbit, and a horny toad says rub it!

   thinks chihuahuas are really regular size dogs in tight skin. All that made it out was their eyes! That would explain why they're so angry.

   my shoes are muddy, my knees are scraped and I lost my hat...but it was the best time i've ever had

   you aren't as good as the rest of em till you beat the best of em

   Dont have phone sex You might get hearing aids

   Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?

   Some people should have a glass bellybutton so when they get their heads so far up their asses, they can see out!

   Picking up dog poo in the dark is like playing the worst kind of Where's Waldo imaginable

   If the outside is so great, why has man spent hundreds of years perfecting inside.

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."

   convinced that if people really follow their dreams no one would get anything done 'cause people would just be having sex with everyone everywhere.

   I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off."

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to farmville sydrome and turn you into a annoying tool

   Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred...

   The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

   Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....