Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

   went to Barnes & Noble and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose...

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...

   doesn't have a beer belly. What I have is a fuel tank for a sex machine......

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad Maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

   I don't have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   Wonders how do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   I dont say my wife is a bad cook, she just uses smoke alarm as timer !!

   How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

   You ever hear stories of people you have never seen before and you create an image of what they look like and when you finally see them you kind of get disappointed or weirded out that they don't look like what you imagined?

   Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   Sometimes I pickup laborers from Home Depot, but they always seem to run away when I get to the immigration dept. Go figure.

   People want a RELATIONSHIP, but always find themselves in a RELATIONSH!T.......Which one are you in?