Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

   I'm a pc and Windows 7 was NOT my idea.

   saw a guy pick pocket a dwarf today. I thought how could he stoop so low?

   I love burritos at four a.m. Parties that never end. I love quarterbacks eating dirt Pom-poms and short skirts And...and twins!"

   a woman may be as wicked as she likes, but unless she is pretty it will not do her any good

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

   's dog was staring at him.....So I stared back....he laughed.....I'm scared

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine....

   would like "Reasons I Don't Want To Be At Work Today" for $200, Alex.

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   Thinks Karma needs a GPS, since it finds those who don't deserve it and gets lost en route to those who do!!!

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile...and how many times.

   Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.

   .... To the guy at Sam's club: thanks for parking in all 4 spots...I'm the one who thought that big empty space was the carriage return... Oops. How'd that work out for you d*#k head????

   the only thing worse than mom jeans are mom genes

   How do you tell whether your wife or your dog likes you more? ... Lock them both in the trunk and when you open it later see which one is happy to see you.