Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off

   Decided to make "eyjafjallajökull" my safe word.

   once my kid learned how to read I had to explain why all his Christmas presents said 'Made in China'

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.

   the interviewer asked him, if he failed college would he have committed suicide, he said he would rather kill himself than doing something that terrible

   "Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull Volcano" Earth's way of Celebrating 4/20

   making like a baby and heading out.

   WEED - 5$...ROLL UP - 1$...THAT FEELING YOU GET AFTER - PRICELESS......HAPPY 4/20

   Look down ur shirt and spell ATTIC.

   My safe word is blueberry pancakes. Whoops! this isn't MySpace.

   just realized that Twilight is about Bella's dilemma between bestiality and necrophilia.

   thinks Oscar the Grouch should have upsized and moved into the dumpster accross sesame street.

   the more successful you are the more they will envy you, so screw it, be the best of the best it's not like anyone can do anything about it

   was gonna go on a date tonight but his Farmville eggplant were supposed to be ready so he had to cancel.

   Eyjafjallajokull is more like a baby typing on a computer than a volcano!

   thinking about starting a group called "Just let me put the head in". Who wants to become a fan?

   I just ate so much ravioli I could sh*t an Italian. If it turns out to be Snooki, you all better thank me when I flush that crazy b*tch.

   How can anybody call themselves a Life Coach when they haven't even played a whole game yet?

   Lifted the toilet lid to find poop in the bowl, either someone forgot to flush or this toilet is from 5 seconds in the future.