Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words.

   Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate a&& who owns this phone. Thanks :)

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   You know Law & Order is taking over the world when you see "SUV" in a headline and wonder what idiot missed a typo.

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donatin will have tons of women homeless women looking like sluts from the 90's...

   Clinton ruined a dress Obama ruined a nation!

   hideing from "knuckles" the bookie, damn you Sugar Shane!

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"

   Lady in the grocery store, your kid is about 4 years old, don't you think he needs to walk and not have his feet dragging in the stroller?

   a man bumps into his ex wifes new husband and asks " hows the second hand fanny ? " the man replies " it great thanks , after the first 3 inches , its like brand new !!! "

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

   It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

   FOL = Fart Out loud

   Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.

   Just joined a new group...DAMM: Drunks Against Mad Mothers

   If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

   When you are not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.