Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear BP, None of this would've happened if you had hired the best deep core drilling team -- Bruce Willis, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, and the big black guy from Green Mile.

   soo The Humane Society says donations can help homeless animals, but I find it's easier to just give a couple bucks to every stray cat I see...

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say , "Don't know if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea."

   Scientists developed a new car that can run on water. Only catch is, it has to be water from the Gulf of Mexico.

   True love is never having to say "How was I ?"

   Good morning, and a Happy Hurricane Season to all.......

   Don't let life get in the way of your dreams... go back to sleep!

   thinks Apple needs a device that emits warning signals that a loser is approaching...call it the iPutz.

   LOGOUT: The hardest button to click on Facebook.

   Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”

   just informed that her Birth Certificate has expired.

   OPThinks BP should try dumping a few million copies of "The Audacity of Hope" on top of that leak in the gulf and see if that works.

   Wondering if film directors wake up screaming"CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares?

   and that ladies and gentlemen is why I have never and will never like the Israeli government.

   Ladies when it comes to Men if you dont do anything that affects their 5 senses then they'l never feel what you are trying to express......

   Hi, I'm Israel and I'm fxckd up. US, get your priorities straight. Killing sailors on an aid flotilla has pushed the limits of Israel's crimes against humanity.

   LOVE is one night stand..........TRUE LOVE is one night stand with same person lifelong..:)

   what does Relationship Status "ITS COMPLICATED" really means...Does it mean a Single man with Broken Hand or a Married person not getting any sex and hand broken too.?...Somebody please EXPLAIN

   A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.