Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember as a kid we had to buy Tiger Beat and mail in a request along with $2 to join the Valerie Bertinelli fan club. Now my kids just do a name search on fb and click "like".

   going to be in a movie. I'm playing the man from Nantucket.

   thought a ipad was some sort of feminine hygiene product

   The Twilight Saga is a lot like the World Cup! They run around for a few hours, no one scores and the fans say you have to watch it to understand.

   "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

   The only thing I will help you with on Farmville is a slaughterhouse...lemme know when you're ready for a BBQ.

   married the perfect woman. You know how he knows? Simple. If something goes wrong, it's never her fault. It's always his.

   most problems can be solved with good friends, good chocolate, or good beer. For everything else, there's duct tape.

   So what America didnt win the world cup..We still got "Two Girls One Cup"....

   not Danny Phantom but if a girl says she is pregnant then he is going ghost

   Summer weather; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

   thinks that if at first you don't succeed, you should pray that your future Honor Roll student takes care of you.

   In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

   Has anyone invented exploding vuvuzelas yet? (Please don't steal my idea.)

   For sale: A horse. Will consider trade for a kingdom.

   Some T.V celebs are jumping on the Sarar Palin bandwagon. Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel

   I met the most hardcore vegetarian ever. She was also a lesbian..

   A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool...

   Just woke up from a colonoscopy with my smock on backwards, Barry White music playing in the background and my doctor with his feet kicked up smoking a cigarette and told me everything went just fine…