Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do we sleep in church, but stay awake through a 2 hour movie?? Why is it so hard to talk to God, but so easy to gossip??Jesus said "If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny YOU in front of my Father.

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.

   Wikipedia has its own wikipedia page. Can you say redundant? If you have to wikipedia wikipedia, you have no buisness being on wikipedia.

   Someone said I met Jim Beam last night but I don't recall.

   Loves the smell of gun powder, thank you Chinese people..

   i hear hell is hot this time of year..

   bail money, check, mankini, check, whipped cream, check, jelly wrestling for dummies guide book, check, stubbie holder, check, panadole, check......... Cairns here I come.

   dont you hate it when your frank stick sticks to your beans?

   Dr Smith sleeps with a patient and is tortured with guilt. In one ear, his conscience is saying, “You're a single man, don't worry.” The other is saying, “You're a vet.

   Lead us not into Temptation - Just tell us where it is!

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.

   I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.

   where there is a Will,there are 500 relatives!

   Break up is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than hurting yourself trying to fix it.

   Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Thank you and good night, drive safely, I'll be here all week.

   JK Rowling proved that some children's books could be over 500 pages. Stephanie Meyers proved that some children's books shouldn't ever be written.