Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BP executives said that Hurrican Alex rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.

   Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late."

   Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young

   dances with the devil in the pale moon light.

   skinny dipping with snapping turtles...oh what a feeling!

   'We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse

   Why using botox, when there is a cheaper way. Blow into a Vuvuzela and after 20 minutes you look better than Angelina Jolie ever did

   I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

   Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

   "If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?"

   I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t"...

   not available right now, please leave a message after the period.

   Have you guys ever noticed the months July, August, September, October and November spell out the name JASON???? Have I discovered something kinda like the Da Vinci Code??!

   I watched the new Supreme Court nominee on C-SPAN yesterday and honestly think he has the worst haircut I've ever seen.

   just running a bath ... after that I may take the shower for a walk ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

   love Independence Day! But it pales in comparison to my Dependence Day, that is the day I decided to depend on God and not myself. Talk about true freedom!

   guys are like dogs, put them on a leash and they'll be chassin every puss in sight!

   strongly abides by the motto: "Safety third."

   OMG I just wasted my time watching the twilight series :love triangle between a depressed girl a 110 yr old vampire and a werewolf !

   Talk like a angel, act like a angel yet a devil in disguise!!