Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Captain Crunch. Your little squares are tasty little morsals of joy and happiness. But eating a pile of gravel from my yard would be less painfull. Please work on that.

   This finger is loaded and I know how to use it.

   I need a beer! I need another beer. I think I'll have another one. Iguetss jusst on moer. I'lll hav jush one morrrre. Blaaaahhhh.

   Mel Gibson beat me up and called me a cracker! Uhg!

   Call me Goofy...But I will always call "Margarine" "Butter"!!!

   you shouldn't listen to other people's foolishness. You should listen to mine.

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.

   Paul the octupus will be a hero if Spain wins the football worldcup!!!

   Apple just introduced the IdoucheBag, to carry your Ipod, Ipad, and Ipone.

   Likes her coffee catffinated

   Whoever started the tradition to wear bright hideous Hawaiian shirts on "casual fridays" needs to be punch in the throat.

   finds it ironic how people 'like' pages that start with "I hate..."

   How many crap loads are there in a sh*t ton again? cuz that's exactly how Cleveland feels like right now...

   FACEBOOK ALERT: Lebron James is now in a relationship with Lebron James.

   I just LeBron Jamesed my pants. Is that a thing yet?

   BREAKING NEWS: Miami Heat joins LeBron James.

   changing the name of MTV to Empty V. Thanks to shows like the Hills, this channel officially sucks balls now

   ya ever notcie that the most comfortable one can be in bed is always one minute before you have to get up?

   if you're tired of waiting...just count 1 to 100...if it's still not there, count 1 to 200... if it's still not there, just count 1 to 10... if still nothing happens, then accept the fact that it's not meant for you..

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission