Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumb@ss, I can still see him.

   You know what would make this Pina Colada better? Cancun.

   Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree

   if you are reading this you love lesbians!

   One hair on your head is not enough...but one hair in your food is too much.

   Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"

   The Makers of K-2 has just come out with another break through synthetic, called J-2. Its Synthetic Jesus in incense form. No need to go to church now, you are automatically saved from hell fire and damnation! Side effects may include speaking in tongues.

   "You should just smile & blow me cause I deserve it!" - Mel Gibson

   Women are SO lucky! They get fat, they get big boobs, we get fat, our wiener just looks small.

   Everything is better in slow motion!!

   Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

   Remember when TV was free?

   once told that girls are like a good pair of shoes... you have to break them in!

   all I have to say is ..... HADOUKEN

   not feeling so good I got chocolate wasted last night.

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   Have you ever had your tea iced? .. Your welcome