Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

   I loved once.. She was my first kiss, it was on the swingset in the park. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   hotter then a priest on a playground..Bazinga

   saying goes: The darker the berry the sweeter the juice. Well the lighter the berry the longer it stays ripe. ;)

   Today: Consumer Reports cannot recommend iPhone 4. Tomorrow: Everyone at Consumer Reports found dead.

   Just ate two Double Downs at KFC, now there is an ambulance gurney following me everywhere

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?

   Life insurance advertisements during "Final Destination". Touché insurance companies... touché

   As I grow older and wiser, I am increasingly aware that mostly, I'm just growing older..

   Just reported Mr. Steinbenner will be broadcasting a ESPN special tonight at 9 pm eastern to decide if he will go to Heaven or Hell.

   The Nigerian goalkeeper is refunding money for anybody that was disappointed with their performance at the World Cup. He said, a representative will contact you via email. Please give them your bank account #s and pin information...

   With the "You've Won The Nigerian Lottery" to these "Libido Sex Pill Enhancer" emails I should be leading quite the life.

   R.I.P. Mr. Steinbrenner... I never really "hated" your Yankees, just wish you would have bought the Braves!

   It's a dog-eat-dog world out there...don't get caught wearing 'milk-bone' underwear!

   Just said Hi to a person with an ugly smile. I hope there having a good day???

   if Paul the octopus was so smart, he wouldn't have been captured in the first place.

   the letter after W and the letter before Y...duh?! :)