Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   focus on living, dying is the easy part

   correction: says confidence is the way to a woman's heart, or atleast into her pants

   confidence is the way to a woman's hear, or atleast into her pants

   ..wonders what would happen if she DIDN'T place the microwave popcorn This Side Up..hmmm

   If I got poked in real life as much as I get poked on Facebook, I'd be one happy woman and would never leave my room!!

   Living on Earth may be expensive...but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun :)~

   I love my girlfriend! but my wife hate her.

   John Mellencamp was a visionary because he knew that Cougar in 2010 would have a very different meaning

   Let's change the name of the Republicans and Democrats to DUMB & DUMBER.....

   A teacher asks ”wot part of the body goes to heaven first?”A child replies”feet- coz every nite I c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!

   so as I am leaving to go to work I go to unlock the door to leave...I can feel heat radiating from the door from the outside..I have always been told that if you feel heat you should not open the door....so I guess I should turn around go back to bed I sh

   not a Russian spy; regardless of what the news says!

   have I told you lately that I love you....? No? thats because I can't handle your miserable, twisted, soul destroying face anymore! Oh and by the way....I'm telling someone else I love them while you pack!

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Try telling that to a heart attack victim.

   its time for you to go now..you've been there to support me and when I couldn't control myself you took the load in your stride, but now after 7 years you've become just too damn clingy....goodbye my sweet little Spiderman underpants...I will miss you

   If I wanted to know whats on your mind I'd splatter it on the wall and see for myself.

   If a tree falls in a ocean does it not make potato chips?!?! yeah I'm drunk

   people saymotivation doesnt last.well,neither does bathing-thats why we recommend it daily.

   life has no remote.change it yourself