Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   needs sum fuggin bug spray now!!! a flame thrower would b nice to hav also.....

   Guys have two heads. They cannot use them both at the same time!

   I'm free of prejudices! I hate everyone equally :-)

   Wow Mel Gibson....did you really make 'Passion of the Christ' with that mouth and attitude...typical "holier than though" abusive man

   everyday I worry my friends are going to find out that I am not so witty and funny and the status wall will come crumbling down

   wisdom comes with age , but sometimes age comes alone!!!

   Men are good for two things and two things only... Going down on you and taking out the trash... And even then the only thing that seems to be done properly is taking out the trash

   What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? Hey, we really DO taste like chicken!!

   Deja Vuvuzela - I think I've heard this buzz before....

   Google and Me, it's like we finish eachother's sentences."

   after picking up and bringing home literally hundreds of women at bars over the years, I can tell you this: I'll never drive a cab again."

   Trust me.. You DO NOT want to see how a Sausage Fest is Made!"

   So many input boxes. Ever go to search for a girl on facebook and set her name as your status instead? Me either."

   Every Morning I wake up and think, "Don't let it slip about Darth Vader being Luke's Dad." It's hard having a 5 year old who doesn't KNOW.

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

   it's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave."

   enjoys when his girlfriend's bikini top accidentally comes off while frolicking in the ocean.

   I'm disturbed by the Activia 14-day Challenge. Why do they want a video? Proof of the giant BM after eating copious amounts of fiber for 2 weeks?!

   Llamas rule the world! And Petting Zoos!