Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

   voices!!!! screamin in my head dont lead the path that I tread!

   whatever I want too!!

   I used to love, respect and cherish every moment we spent together and then something happened...oh yeah, I built a bridge and got over it!

   Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

   The reverse side also has a reverse side?

   flashing your titts in public doesnt make you a wh*re, its makes you AWESOME!!

   Powerless to know the truth... Blinded by what I wanted to see... Ashamed that I let you in... Painful with how I'm left feeling... Devastated as I knew better...

   A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place but in the end it couldn't because it had no guts.

   When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Then start swinging. Make it hard for them to hit a moving target.

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   I love to go shopping and freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   until money changes color, my favorite color is green.

   Google is really an undercover gambling addiction hence clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" compulsively.

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?