Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rule of thumb when hitting on co-workers... if you're cute, it's flirting. If you're not... it's sexual harrassment.

   working up one hell of a sweat by wearing my "Snuggie" while using "Shakeweights", thank God for "Shamwow" to mop up this mess.

   I hate those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying.

   I signed into Facebook so I could find out where all my friends will be this weekend. I now have a list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

   If I poked as much in college as I do on fb, it would have taken me 8 yrs to get an Associates Degree!

   If love is blind, and hate is deaf, you would think stupid would be mute and yet she just keeps on talking...

   focus on living, dying is the easy part

   correction: says confidence is the way to a woman's heart, or atleast into her pants

   confidence is the way to a woman's hear, or atleast into her pants

   ..wonders what would happen if she DIDN'T place the microwave popcorn This Side Up..hmmm

   If I got poked in real life as much as I get poked on Facebook, I'd be one happy woman and would never leave my room!!

   Living on Earth may be expensive...but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun :)~

   I love my girlfriend! but my wife hate her.

   John Mellencamp was a visionary because he knew that Cougar in 2010 would have a very different meaning

   Let's change the name of the Republicans and Democrats to DUMB & DUMBER.....

   A teacher asks ”wot part of the body goes to heaven first?”A child replies”feet- coz every nite I c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!

   so as I am leaving to go to work I go to unlock the door to leave...I can feel heat radiating from the door from the outside..I have always been told that if you feel heat you should not open the door....so I guess I should turn around go back to bed I sh

   not a Russian spy; regardless of what the news says!

   have I told you lately that I love you....? No? thats because I can't handle your miserable, twisted, soul destroying face anymore! Oh and by the way....I'm telling someone else I love them while you pack!

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.