Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're a VW bus driver when you start out speeding towards a hill, and still end up at the top with a line of cars behind you.

   I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?

   Thinking about bathroom remodeling ideas. So if you can post your selfies below that would be great. Thanks!

   Can we celebrate Thanksgiving this year and be thankful for all we have before we start thinking about all the cheap Chinese made plastic junk we don't need for Christmas?

   My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

   My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.

   To make you feel better if you're single this Valentine's Day just remember, Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with a club.

   No bathe November is going to make Thanksgiving interesting...

   A new law just came out where all bicyclist are now required to wear a helmet which is ridiculous, I mean when I was a kid I took all kinds of spills on my bike without a helmit and turned out perfectly fine and turned out perfectly fine.

   Having one of those awkward moments when you're not looking at Facebook and you're crazy Facebook stalker finds you on YouTube :/

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.

   The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”

   At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

   : I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned. True story.

   I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

   My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

   Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool

   *At the checkout Cashier: How many croissants? M: Four *Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face. M: Um six