Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. And if you piss him off, you go to a place full of fire and burning and torture and anguish. But he loves you. He loves you, and he needs money.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   I'm not sure If I just pulled a groin muscle working out, but I am walking funny and I sound like Mike Tyson...

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.

   Why do they put slow cashiers on the speedy checkouts?

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   Just heard kings of Leon cancelled a show cause their lead singer took a load of pigeon s%$t right in his mouth. Haha. Take a hint, even the pigeons think ur fricking sh$#ty!! Get off the stage.....

   She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak...

   Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 on those little bottles of Evian water?.. Try spelling Evian backwards.

   OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", What does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

   Insurance is the only thing we pay for, bit are afraid to use......... Brilliant!!!!

   There's a photographer traveling around the world taking pictures of the worlds oldest people. Isn't Larry King on television?

   got a phone call reminder from the dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   Took a nap today... Fell asleep watching golf and woke up and softball was on. That might explain the dream with the lesbians.

   "Now if I could just figure out something to do with my hands, I'd be set!" - Every white guy while dancing, ever.

   I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

   Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so that when times got tough I could just fly over certain people and sh*t on their heads!

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   Falling in love is like getting drunk. you wake up with a horrible hangover, swearing that you'll never drink again ;-)*