Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can tell when were expecting company because suddenly the toilet paper rolls have to go on the dispenser.

   I'm kind of amazed that everyone on Mythbusters still has eyebrows.

   Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.

   Party! Party! Party! Lets all get wasted... Hold up wait, who's driving us home???

   Touch your toes And touch your toes And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's.

   ..is wondering what would happen if she went to her supermarket, opened a can of tomato juice on to the floor and yelled "CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE TAMPONS ARE?! I NEED SOME ASAP!"

   i thought I saw you today, but as I got closer, I realised it was a trash can

   YES!!! I knew it... The world will not end in 2012 - I just found a condom in my wallet that expires in 2013.

   I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you,then?"

   the reason why facebook created the "LIKE" Button

   The day my status says "in a relationship" check for flying pigs. k?

   Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

   GET TO THE CHOPPER!!

   sufferring from two different mental disorders: OCD, and extreme laziness. it's an ever-present conflict. The will to maintain order vs the desire to not do a single thing about it.

   I'm just a man but if you want I can still be your superman or prince charming! ♥

   once I get a grip on reality I plan on choking it to death...

   A man in Atlanta is raising money for charity by not speaking for a month and only communicating on facebook. Is there anyway to get "the view" and Oprah on board for this?

   I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

   Honey, remember to address the dog as "Dr." Scruffy. We didn't pay for eight years of post-grad obedience school for nothing.

   I live and yearn.