Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I saw spiderman I would ask him to help me get 2 work fast, if I saw batman I would ask where he got all those cool toys, if I saw superman I would want help gettin my skateboard off the roof..if I saw wonderwoman I would ask "where's my sandwhich?"

   Do you think P.Diddy ever wakes up feeling like kesha ?

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... ---oh wait! wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th!

   Q. What do you call a French man in sandals? A. Philippe Philoppe

   are the mosquitos bad.....are the mosquitos BAD ?!?... last night I saw two on my patio with Drinks in their hand "huffing" deep woods off .... while one said to the other " dude...you catch a buzz yet"..... yes they're that bad

   I think if I were to stop suddenly... my son would find himself lodged somewhere in my colon.

   at Camp Crystal Lake, getting drunk with her best friends and running around in her underwear, and holy crap did anyone else hear that noise?

   The Tooth Fairy teaches kids to sell their body parts for Money.

   says if people are scared of the number 13, why are we not scared of BoB, he has 2 scrunched up 13s in his name.

   The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over it

   Meteor Shower! Yeah, right NASA. We know better.

   Recipe for disaster: A dash of stupidity combined with copious amounts of greed and prepared by the government.

   I don't trust girls with mustaches.

   The heat doesn't seem so bad when you think how hot it must be for the cook who just dripped sweat in your lunch.

   I wonder if the band that recorded the Saved By The Bell theme ever gets together once in a while just to jam.

   At times, I really wish that my place of employment had a chimpanzee that gives you an ice cold beer when leaving the office as part of your benefits package

   responsibly irresponsible....

   You see stretch marks........ I see tiger stripes

   not a Paraskevidekatriaphobic!!! Happy Friday The 13th everyone!!!

   Women do NOT sleep when we guys go out at night, it's like TV you switch it off and it stays on stand-by!