Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering what Tennesse Titans' nickname is, giving that Jacksonville Jaguars is "Jags" and Tampa Bay Bucaneers is "Bucs".

   A guy preaching in town today said to me"Madam do you believe in the second coming?" I said "with my hushusbandband I'm lucky if I come once!" I'm lucky if

   My wife's an adult film actress....She's going to be furious when she finds out!

   This old lady was tailgating me so I slammed on my brakes...I think I gave her a heart attack, at least thats what the paramedics said

   REALLY in the matrix......would I know though?

   Frank was here....went to get beer...

   it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?......no it is NOT!

   Jesus himself told us that He saw Lucifer fall like a shooting star from Heaven... Just our luck the jerk landed at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

   When a fat chick dies she get her wings, but they're not angel wings they're buffalo wings

   I ate so many Dunkin Donuts at work today I think I'm qualified to be given a badge and a gun

   O Friday, O Friday! wherefore art thou Friday? Deny thy other weekdays and refuse thy work hours. Or if thou wilt not, just hurry up and get here already.

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

   I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.

   I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there's a movie I'd pay to see.

   The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

   I love bald men with no dress sense that make me feel bad about myself....I swear I will marry one...ok?

   It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money.

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"

   the one they are referring to when they say "there's one in every crowd..."