Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off.

   If you love cats adopt one. If you hate cats support the Chinese cuisine.

   taking my loose change to the club tonight to make it HAIL!

   Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' when parked illegally.

   Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

   Until I found Facebook, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.

   doesn't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   So she "just wants to be friends." Cheer up! That's more than most people want to be with you.

   having a hard time deciding.. Laundry today or Naked tomorrow?

   Sorry, but it was time he ended it. You're both going different directions in life... he's getting taller, and let's face it... you're just getting fatter.

   See! I told you that someone would still find you attractive! At least he's not your real dad.

   Don't be so dramatic! Somebody out there will like you just the way you are. After all... there are plenty of blind guys out there.

   I often wonder what I've done with my life. But then my clinically sane friends visit me, and I remember why I enjoy being nuts!!!

   You know you're having a bad day when your blow up doll ran away with your air mattress

   I just got the best deal ever on eggs.

   was a strange kid. I had an upper and lower G.I Joe.

   Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."

   It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.

   They say that money isn't the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.