Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.

   The best thing about this day? I haven't been fired. The worst thing about this day? I'm still working here.

   GOP = Greed Over Patriotism

   I really want to know why Newton discovered gravity when he saw an apple falling. He used to sh*t and I'm sure it didn't fly.

   One day you're gonna ask me whose life is more important? Yours or mine, I will say mine and you'll walk away never knowing you are my life.

   wishes he could start everyday running through a paper wall into the kitchen with the gladiators theme tune playing full blast.

   Dont you hate it when you realize you have to take a $hit right after you shower

   This is MY facebook wall and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

   welcome back FRIDAY !!! I knew you coming back ,im fully charged and ready to get wasted with you ;)

   I'm not naughty! I'm just mischievously creative!

   Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumbass!

   drinks, dinner, drinks....rinse and repeat...happy Friday..smile

   The Klondike Bar found out what I did for it, and now it's blackmailing me."

   Restaurants, please stop trying to get clever with your restroom signs. I have a very small bladder."

   Dear people in the apartment beneath me: banging on your ceiling doesn't make me want to finish any sooner. It actually makes me want to leave the vacuum on indefinitely....and I think I'll go take a shower now, too."

   [This post has been removed for breaking facebook community guidelines]

   who can name the 6 great kings who ave brought immense happiness in two people's lifes ?? Drin-King, Fuc-King, Lic-King, Suc-King, Span-King and Wan-king

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.

   if it were not for mimosa's...I would not reach my daily recommended allowance of Vitamin C