Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned to cuss from Too Short.

   Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.

   If you were inside my head, A penny for my thoughts would be an overpayment.

   bad news is time flys, good news is your the pilot

   If girls are made of sugar and spice, how come they taste like anchovies?

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   shhhh..I am having a staring contest with the back of her eyelids and I think I am about to win

   worried, my monkey has a drinking problem

   saying of course, the Squirrels!! gotta save the Squirrels..those flying ones are some cool gliding rodents

   come to the conclusion, after visiting her grandparents, that she is moving into a retirement home.. they have chairs in the shower and the toilets have arm rests!!! Can anyone say..SWEET!!!

   thanks his mum for teaching him TIME TRAVEL as a kid. She would always say: "straighten up or I'll knock you into next week!"

   Hoping the hurricane washes up jersey shore!

   a love-ate relationship with food.

   Cut my life into pizza's, this is my plastic fork. Oven baking, heavy breathing, dont give a f**k if it's carbs that I'm eatting;)

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Man vs. Wild = MAN WINS!!.....Man vs. Discovery Channel = The Police Win!! I can't wait to watch the Discovery Channel Special of the Hostage Crisis on the Discovery Channel.

   Signs that you have no life: when you have nothing better to do than complain.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.