Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.

   Why is it, when I get a 2-minute long, static and mumbling filled voicemail that is clearly the result of an accidental purse/pocket dial, I don't just delete it 5 seconds in? Because I'd rather listen intently for sh*t talking.

   I don't particularly care that your menu options have recently changed nor will I be listening carefully... I will be hitting 0 and # repeatedly until a real person gets on the line.

   The bikes at the gym I go to are behind a bunch of machines where people are always bent over. This may work for some, but my cardio has suffered as I tend to end my workout earlier when grandma decides to do butt thrusts in my face.

   The Dish Network had an ad I just saw where they say they have "the fastest growing subscribership!" Uh, when you're the company with the fewest subscribers, you have the best chance of people saying, "F*ck it, haven't tried these morons yet."

   They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.

   I've known myself for 30 years. How am I still able to convince myself that I can remember things without writing them down right away?

   How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.

   The moment I hear the word "inches" in any discussion, I'm already preparing myself for a mental manhood measuring contest. 4 inches of rain? No problem. 22 inch bass? You win.

   The most valuable contribution social networking sites have made to my life is showing me how ridiculous it was to have ever been intimidated by or feel less than the people I went to high school with.

   Listen, I didn't come to the dog park to "connect with other dog owners." I came here so my dog can take a dump as much as he pleases, and I don't have to clean up after him because no one can prove it was him.

   I hate when people answer an "or" question with just a yes or no: "Did you order the pizza or do I have to do it?"... "Yup"

   Wine tasting is very disappointing. I prefer wine consuming where the server gives you a bottle and leaves you alone. I don't need a history of how these grapes were stomped and I'd appreciate more than a thimble sized cup.

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   I feel pretty useless when I see that people living off a spoonful of rice a day can somehow muster the energy to build an irrigation system for their village when I can't even answer a question before I eat breakfast.

   I hate how I procrastinate so much that by the time I reach the end of my to-do list, I have to go back and uncheck "laundry."

   First dates in movies always consist of activities that would never work in real life. Oh, paddle boating in a lake... so romantic until the first fight comes 4 seconds in on which person is not pulling their weight.

   There is such a thing as making too good of an impression on the first date. I've wined and dined you superbly and we've had great conversation... now I gotta be Don Julio in the sack or this house of cards is gonna crumble.

   Given how much lint I pull out of the lint trap in my dryer, why aren't my clothes dissolving faster?

   I don't need to see 48 pictures of the vehicle you just bought. It's a used Sonata. Relax.