Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Movie characters are always so badass. If they wake up mysteriously in a hospital alone and beaten up, they just rip the IV right out their arm and slip past the nurses. I would at least want to see my chart first, and maybe get some juice.

   Curiosity leads to education; education to knowledge; knowledge to understanding; understanding to tolerance; tolerance to peace.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?

   I think we all have that look perfected that says, "I am paying attention and appear interested in what you are saying", when my brain is really thinking about stuff like pancakes, tv shows, and leaving work early.

   wrote a letter to my love, and on my way I caught him, kicked him in his special place, and shoved it in his pocket! goodbye cheater

   Why does everyone insist on asking, "You ok?" after you hurt yourself? No I'm not f*cking OK. Can you not sense my agony?

   Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal.

   I love it when people say they haven't evacuated during a hurricane because they had to protect their homes. Who the hell do they think they are? Superman?

   If I can smell my water, I don't want it.

   Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…

   Sometimes, I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   I don't know why people complain about wanting more hours in the day. If I had more hours I'd have to get more creative about how I waste them.

   I will play fair when I get to make up the rules.

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection & acceptance issues all over again.

   If you want something you never had, then you've got to do something you've never done.

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.

   Don't you hate it when you're out with MC Hammer and he won't let you touch anything?

   According to the anti-piracy ads "Copying DVDs is stealing" By that logic, taking a photo is kidnapping.