Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances.

   Close your eyes and think of something that you either want or need that would make you happy. Now open your eyes. Disappointing, isn't it?

   I would complain more about Monday, but there is still the rest of the week to mess up everything.

   I feel like life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

   I looked at my unmade bed this morning and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

   If it came down to it, I could probably survive on Skittles and beer.

   The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.

   I can't decide what to swear today.

   I'm sure glad life gave me other photo opportunities after my high school yearbook portrait.

   I got sent home for inappropriate attire. Lady Gaga wore the SAME thing at the VMAs! Some people know nothing about fashion.

   Our children are really going to think we're old when they find out that we were born "before the Internet."

   Had a weird dream last night where people actually wanted to hear about other people's dreams.

   Him: For every cigarette you smoke I breathe in 50% of the smoke you do. Me: If that's the case, you owe me for a half a pack of cigarettes.

   I once posed nude for a magazine... but the clerk still asked if I'd be paying with cash or credit.

   When you look forward to coming home so you can have drink and NOT because of who is there... it's a big problem!

   You know those neighbors who spy on you and then blab to everyone else? My neighbors have one of those.

   You'll never regret having a safety deposit box stuffed full of fake passports and sixty million dollars.

   Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?

   I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.

   Whenever I put on sweatpants I sing "eye of the tiger" so that everyone will know why.