Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor pays for the premium channels.

   My train of thought is derailed.

   I always feel awkward sitting around waiting for people to show up. That's why I'm always late. I don't care if you're late, just be less late than me.

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

   Is it just me or is "Top News" on Facebook more like "Old news that is mediocre"?

   out messing with sasquatch.

   new carrier goal is going to become a professional zombie hunter.

   zombie proofing the house today.

   Dear person sitting next to me in the stall... I can hear you playing a video game on your Blackberry and it's annoying the crap out of me. Well done!

   the difference between a paycheck and a blowj** is you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

   Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.

   You can't get on your feet until you get off your ass.

   some people are so stupid, if their brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M

   noticed that ever since Susan Boyle confessed her virginity to the world, the Taliban and Al Qaeda have cut back on suicide bombing, knowing now what lies ahead for them.

   with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!

   meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but falling in love with you I had no control over

   heard that Thailand has the highest rate of prostitution in the world, but again what dyu expect from a country whose name is "THAI-land", with a capital city named "BANG-KOK" and a tourist destination called "PHUK-ET"!!!

   wants to play basketball with the president and dunk on his delegates.

   Why are some parents hypocritical..."don't lie to me or I'll tell SAnta on you"

   If brains were money you'd have to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee