Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.........

   Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN

   ‎9/11 is a perfect example of why we can't pretend airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars :P

   at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Excuse me miss I believe your ass is on fire... let me help you put it out

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   the 11th commandment; Thou shalt not mess with Leroy Jethro Gibbs

   finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   I want to date a girl with an accent. Well....maybe just a really slow girl that sounds like she has an accent. I'm not picky:)

   Men like hot showers. Women like scalding hot showers that cause any man in the shower with them to act like a wussy b*tch about it.

   I would dress up like a Kardashian for Halloween but it's difficult walking around with a vacuum up your ass to get the pulled back face look.

   Italy seizes $30 million from the Vatican in probe. Nice to finally see the Catholic clergy on the receiving end of a probe.

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.