Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 100 other ways to get that info in seconds.

   Sometimes really old people scare the sh*t out of me.

   Everytime I hear strangers talking to each other in foreign languages I always automatically assume they're talking sh*t.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.

   I have been checking facebook less and less. If this continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.

   doing the 'Fandango'...

   This is what will happen if you look like me............(SMACK)

   (SINGS) this is the Song that Never ends.. it just goes on and on my friend.. Some ppl started singing it not knowing what it was, & they'll continue singing it 4ever just because... LOL!! Bet your singing it now too! YW!

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   I love the way you laugh....mostly because your boobs jiggle when you do :)

   Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend at monday !!

   When nudists put on a play, do they argue about who has the biggest part?

   whenever I start to get tired of being single... I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship is like.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. .... So I hired a hitman

   My Idea for a church bulletin. "Stop, drop, and roll won't work in hell ."

   Hows about you give me your number while I'm still interested.

   Lets play post office... You lick and I'll deliver.

   What did Curt Cobain say to Courtney Love before he died?... Holes gonna be big!

   Did you know..... your middle toe is a radar detector for chair legs??!