Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope and pray for the day that seals become domesticated. I already have a saddle picked out for when I take mine for a walk.

   If I've learned anything from TV it's that kids will never be successful athletics or honor students unless I drive a minivan.

   Where will be your higher power if you could travel around in space?...

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook.

   I saw the new Facebook movie. Filling the theater with annoying people adds a realistic touch.

   American Gladiator sports such as the giant hamster rolling ball thing should be introduced at the next olympics.

   I think I just contracted herpes in my eyes from watching Jersey Shore.

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   If I look at your mouth while your talking to me then CLEARLY I want you to just stfu!

   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates!

   I hate people with fake names on facebook... Sorry Jamee Snickers Daughtry and Ashley Snookie Capulto you are now defriended

   Loves to see her go but hates to watch her leave

   purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest of us just don't think it's a problem.

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.