Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am imperfection perfected.

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   9 out of 10 men smell their finger after scratching their nuts

   I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

   - David Cameron says `Your country needs you` ....... No David , this country needs you to Fu@k Off ! You posh wanker ...

   Call off the search for Waldo. I think this large man on the bus, wearing a red and white striped hat, ate him.

   The first time I got drunk, I threw up in a neighbor's silverware drawer. I just closed it and never looked back.

   Did you know that no two farts are exactly alike? It's true. Farts are sort of like snowflakes in that regard. Little, invisible, smelly, snowflakes.

   "I like" IF EVERYONE stops writing where they "like it" ... thank you!

   A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for some batteries. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said,"Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

   The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

   Cookie Monster: People ask me what me favorite kind of cookie, but me no can choose! Me equal opportunity eater.

   If you only have one photo on you're Facebook you are either a spammer, or a loser, either way don't request me as a friend.

   how come the nesquik rabbit can drink his milk while the trix rabbit can't eat his food?

   likes it on the floor, next to the bed, so she doesn't forget it it when I kick her out in the morning

   Told a girl free refills with a magic mouth. I guess she never saw that snickers commercial...

   could care less where you leave it - as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   Sometimes you just have to accept you can`t win every battle , no matter how hard you try .. but just because you lost a battle doesn`t mean you can`t win the war.

   doesn't want none unless you got buns hun