Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

   I start drinking earlier and earlier everyday... I had to set my alarm this morning.

   I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.

   bankruptcy spelled with one "oh sh*t" or two?

   going steal your CAPS lock & shift key if you don't stope YELLING...or unfriend you

   If us guys show support for Breast Cancer Awareness... How are the girls gonna should show support for the our Testicular Cancer Awareness month!

   wish my boobs wouldn't slap my face while I run.

   I hate being bipolar... It's awsome!

   was riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   needs a warm fireplace for my morningwood.

   If you all know where you keep it, why are we always looking for the damn thing..

   if you don't quit your crying and complaining in your status updates, I'll give you something to really cry and complain about! Like posting that photo of you I lied about deleting for example.

   some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker!

   I must have catnip in my pants tonight because all the pussie is trying to get in them.

   taking joy in the fact that his ex girlfriend just got married and that her first name combined with her new last name results in a really funny name that others will ve sure to make fun of.

   They didn't break the mold after me, they just chained it up.

   comes here for status updates because he doesn't have sick children, could care less about the weather, and already knows what day of the week it is.

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   prediction: yankees will win 28th world series

   If my MTV carreer doesn't work out I think i'm goin to buy a gun.. and sell crack. I'll be a friendly crack dealer though, nothing too formal. I'll just be like 'what's up, want some crack?'