Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The police should make criminals open Facebook accounts. It seems the easiest way to get a confession out of them without any interrogation.

   I think the no passing notes at school policy should apply to teachers too.

   come on weekend why your taking so long to come

   I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.

   What's the difference between a bottle and puberty?? .........A bottle has already hit Justin Bieber!!

   Ya know, Joe Biden sayin' "If I hear one more Republican tell me about balancing the budget, I am going to strangle them," doesn't frighten me NEAR as much as Nancy Pelosi threatening to release her flying monkeys!! ....just sayin'....

   Lean Cuisine you may have fewer calories and less fat, but you do not satisfy me.  I'm still hungry.   :(

   Now that I know where all the purses are, I'm busting out my ski mask and crow bar. Time to make mo money.

   Ok...tryin to loose weight... I went to the doctor this mornin. He ask.. How's your diet? I said I've been eating apples, bananas, oranges . Then he asked... "have you seen a skinny gorilla," I said FU!!

   Out of all the fish in the sea, your the only one I want to mount..

   not sure what's worse.... finding out Darth Vader is your father or remembering that the day before you were trying to f*ck your sister??

   I thought that Google could figure everything out. So I put it to the test. I Googled women. It came back with " Question to complicated " and under the search box. "Exact words & Not feeling so lucky".

   My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

   In the cookies of life FRIENDS are the chocolate chips

   REMINDER: Don't forget to hand out White Chocolate this Halloween so that little Black kids can get their faces dirty too!

   Hey mylife, I can promise you, 28 people are NOT searching for me! Quit lying!

   knows where all the purses are!

   the guy at subway put the potato chips on my sandwich without me even asking. either he's stoned or he knows that I am

   Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..

   6 out of 10 people wash their hands after using the bathroom, 4 out 10 use soap, 3 out of 10 actually wait for the water to get hot also.