Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   furiously searching for my misplaced Mozambican shrunken head. Well my evening is ruined...

   do you ever get that feeling someones watching you?.... good it's about time you realized it, ive been starring at you through this window for 3 hrs, and this treebranch is killin me!

   I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

   Wishes Cesar Millan could wisper to these dern mosquito's and tell them to leave me the hell alone!

   I Asked google cause I knew you would laugh at me..

   What is with going to the doctors while your sick and they have the nerve to ask how am I doing? "Yeahhh you know I'm doing pretty well just have 2 ear infections and bronchitis no big deal!" As if they don't know I'm not doing too great.

   getting poked on facebook by one of your friends is one thing, but getting poked by a family member is where I draw the line

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   When they get the Chilean miners out, can we put the Go Compare guy in?

   when your hand gets stuck trying to reach the Pringles in that friggin' tube - STOP EATING THEM!!

   Wishes Brett Favre would stop sending me text messages.

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   I just met a girl who was so hott she doesnt even poop!

   You can attract flies with honey, but you get more honeys if your fly!

   Had colon cancer so they removed part of it. Now I have a ;

   If you believe in reincarnation, will your gravestone say "BRB" instead of "R.I.P."?

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

   Facebook needs to add "P*ssy Whipped" to it's relationship status.

   X FACTOR FANS! If you're missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month!

   Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.